


Our shattered hearts

by MarshmaLaw



Category: Castle
Genre: AU, Angst, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e09 Kill Shot, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Kate Beckett Needs a Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sniper - Freeform, Soft Rick, she gets it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-06 02:17:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20283754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarshmaLaw/pseuds/MarshmaLaw
Summary: During Kate’s break down in „Kill shot“, Castle follows her.





	Our shattered hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Re-write that fixes the mistakes in the original on FF.net.  
If there are still any mistakes, I apologize.  
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don’t own anything associated with Castle. The first few lines of dialogue are from episove 4x09 "Kill shot".

“Why me? What did I do? Why is somebody trying to kill me?”

“Emily have you seen anybody watching you lately?” Kate could say that she was proud her voice wasn’t shaking. Much.

“No.. I.. I don’t know…” Followed by incoherent sounds of confusion with pure terror visible on Emily’s face. Kate was vaguely aware of the EMT saying something about a hospital. Cold sweat broke out on her skin, starting at the nape of her neck and spilling over her body all the way to her toes. Kate wasn’t sure that she would ever feel warm again.

A hospital.

With so many instruments to pierce your skin, to save your life, to leave a reminder of what happened in its wake. The image was running through Kate’s mind like a bad movie and there was nothing that she could do to stop it. The uncomfortable bed. The phantom pain in her chest making even small movement a special kind of hell. The flowers on her nightstand. Colorful. Wilting. Dead.

That sad little bucket of flowers represented her relationship with Castle pretty well. Kate tried to shove these thoughts out of her head. She tried to not think of anything.

She failed.

Her vision was blurring, hands shaking, head spinning. _Come on, Kate. Get a grip._

All of a sudden, Emily’s hand was gripping her arm, holding on for dear life. “No, he’s still outside.” The woman’s cries shot through Kate’s brain like an arrow. _He’s still outside. He’s still outside_. The words echoed in her mind. He’s still outside, because she let him, because she wasn’t good enough to catch him.

“Emily, you are going to be fine.” Lies. As if that was even possible. It was all too much, too much for her heart and mind to take it. Oh God, she needs to get out of here.

She ran.

Her flight instinct won over the rational part of her brain and she barreled through the first unlocked door she could find. Fear consumed her thoughts, confusion, hurt, and every other emotion she had been holding in since the funeral laced through every fiber of her being. Then the words from a few months ago sprung to her mind.

_Kate, I love you. I love you Kate._ Oh, Castle. How much she must’ve hurt him.

Her thoughts were now running completely free. It was somewhat liberating - she hadn’t let herself do that from the day her captain died. That was just an another skeleton in her closet, just another thing she repressed at the time and never actually got around to dealing with. She tried not to think of Castle’s soft lips on her own, laced with desperation and exhilaration and, dare she say, a hint of lust.

She failed again.

Everything was just too much. Her jacket, her badge, her gun. Suffocating her. Slowly killing her from the inside. Reminding her of all the things she couldn’t do and say and now it’s too late. As she said to Castle the other night, everybody was gone. Oh God, Castle. Even in her delirious state, her mind always wandered back to Castle.

Always. _Always_. But how could he possibly love her, this weak form of her, when he saw her at her best? How could he admire this weak Kate, when Beckett was all he saw at the precinct? He couldn’t, and he shouldn’t have to. He couldn’t. Castle couldn’t love her. Ever.

Kate’s knees buckled at the realization. Her back hit the wall and she slowly sled all the way to the floor. Her weak knees found their way to her chest while she desperately tried to hold her body together.

It was pointless.

Her heart had already fallen apart.

* * *

Castle had been helplessly watching Kate disappear behind the thick door. That thing was just creating an another barrier, another wall between them. He hated that door.

His feet subconsciously took him closer while his mind was waging a war against itself. He knew he should respect her privacy, but his protective instinct was kicking in. He wanted to help her, to hold her, to save her from this pain. Protect her from the world. He already failed once and it almost cost Kate her life. He was not about to do the same mistake. But still, that is not what they do. Kate is a very private person and she hides her emotions very well, even from herself.

Without Rick even realizing, his body became pressed against the wooden door, his ear straining to hear something, to let him know that she was okay.

A muffled thud could be heard from the other side of the door. His hand was ready at the handle, his body fighting against his own mind. But all his restraint went to hell when he heard an unmistakable sound of sniffling. Oh my God, Kate Beckett was crying.

Every sound, every cry, filled with anguish, pushed his hand lower on the handle. He decided to go inside. The sniffling got louder and he could hear rasping breath. But there was also a very distinct sound of… his name?

“Castle…” The word spilled out of Kate’s mouth. It was more like a shaky whisper but it was unmistakable. It was the last thing he needed, that invisible power breaking what was left of his resolve, to hear Kate calling, consciously or not, for his help made something tick inside him. Kate needed him, and screw privacy, screw everything, he needed to help her. His last thought before he crossed the threshold (both figurative and actual) was that he would not fail her again.

“Beckett?....Kate?” He tried again when she didn’t react. Her head finally turned towards him, so she obviously registered the sound of his voice. That made him hope that maybe she wasn’t completely gone, but when her head turned to fully face him, her eyes were glazed over, unseeing.

“I am so sorry.” Kate choked out and he almost didn’t understand because her breath kept hitching and her whole body was shaking from the force of her cries.

“What?”

“I am so sorry, Castle.”

“What are you sorry for, Kate?” He didn’t get any answer. All he got was more hiccupping and crying and a few more I am sorry-s.

Rick was at loss as what to do now. He knew that Kate wanted privacy, but she was clearly in no condition to take care of this, whatever this is, by herself. And there was no universe in which he would leave her crying on the floor all alone. He noticed that her hand kept returning to her chest every few seconds, landing on her heaving chest. And then it hit him.

The bullet wound. The case. The sniper.

He took out his phone.

“Yo, bro!” Rick heard after a few seconds. “Hey, Espo. I need your help.”

“Is everything ok, man?” Esposito immediately latched onto the concern in his voice.

“I don’t…no. Everything is not ok. It´s Kate… I think she´s-” It was hard to explain what he was seeing right now. He had never seen Kate look this vulnerable. “I think she is having a panic attack.”

“What makes you say that?” Castle could hear the same concern he felt coming from the other side of the line.

“Well… she is crying, thrashing around and clutching her chest. I tried to talk to her but it’s not helping. At all.” He left out the part where she still hasn’t stopped apologizing. Something told him that it was not something Kate would want to share with anyone. Maybe even himself. He tried not to be hurt by that thought. “Espo, I can see the terror in her eyes, what am I supposed to do?” He was getting frantic now. He had to help her.

“Okay, man. First of all, you need to calm down.” When he didn’t hear anything from the other side, Espo continued. “Take a deep breath.”

“Don’t tell me to tak-” Castle was starting to get angry. Espo was supposed to help him and Kate just kept thrashing and crying.

“I mean it, bro.” When that didn’t get him a response, he added: “She needs you.” After a few moments of silence, he could hear puffing, indicating that Castle followed through. “Okay. Now you need to remain calm. She could seriously injure herself if you don’t do something. I know she still isn’t one hundred percent from the shooting. Just…talk to her… you know just be your usual self. Try to get her home or something. Be careful with touching her though, she could react very badly.” There were a few seconds of silence and Rick was wondering if Esposito was debating on sharing something from personal experience. In the end all he got was _take care of her_.

“Okay, thanks Espo.” Rick said while ending the call. He felt somewhat calmer now that he had a goal. Take care of Kate. Lessen her pain. Help her.

Kate was still thrashing around and didn’t show signs of stopping anytime soon. Feeling incredibly out of his depth, Rick knelt beside her, his knees just barely touching her hip. He very quickly regretted touching Kate and barely caught her fisted hand just before it made contact with his face. She didn’t immediately pull her hand back and Rick counted that as a small victory.

“Hey, hey Kate…easy. Can you hear me? It´s me, Castle.” He said, trying to make his voice come out as soothing, when internally he was freaking out. He didn’t receive any answer but that did not deter him in the least. He switched hands, holding Kate’s right in his left, and wrapped his right arm around Kate’s shoulders and behind her neck, coming to rest at her left side.

He wasn’t sure it was him, or just his warmth, that made Kate move and rest her face on Rick’s shoulder but he was relieved none the less. She remained in this position for a while but eventually curled into his side. She stopped talking altogether and just rested in Rick’s embrace. This seemed to calm her down considerably and Rick was just happy to sit her and hold her for however long she needed.

Nothing happened for a while. He wasn’t sure how much time has passed. It felt like an eternity for Kate’s struggling. On the other hand, having Kate in his arms made him wish time would just stop altogether and let them remain in this relatively calm moment. Not perfect, but just enough. One where they didn’t have to talk about what had happened and what was happening now.

But as it usually is, time does not stop no matter how much you want it to. It just keeps going forward and you have no choice but to follow that example. The sound of Kate’s raspy voice simultaneously filled him with relief and dread.

“Castle?” Kate asked, utterly confused. He might have called that expression adorable if it wasn’t for the tears still drying on her face.

“Yeah.” It sounded very inadequate but he wasn’t sure what state of mind Kate would be with right now. Her reaction to his voice almost didn’t surprise him.

What surprised him was the strength with which Kate held onto him, her arms wrapped around his torso and her head nestled in the crook of his neck. Tears that had finally stopped flowing down her cheeks just a few moments ago returned with vengance. He could feel Kate’s hot pants on his neck, her tears drenching his dress shirt. His arms instinctively wrapped around her waist as he tried to get in a more comfortable position with holding all of Kate’s weight. In the end he just shifted her into his lap and wrapped his arms protectively around her.

“I am so sorry Castle. So, so sorry.” Kate’s voice was muffled, but he could still read the sadness and resignation in her voice. The latter making his stomach queasy with worry.

“What are you sorry for?” He dreaded and welcomed the answer.

“I am sorry…for… lying. Castle I am so sorry.”After that it was just more incoherent crying.

He debated pushing her to reveal more. While selfish, it would certainly give him some answers. However, it was glaringly obvious that Kate wasn’t capable of saying anything other than I am sorry at the moment. So he just sat there with her in his arms and waited until her hiccups and cries were reduced to occasional whimper or sniffle. After what felt like an eternity, but in reality was more like an hour, it seemed like this is the best that she would get at the moment and Rick knew that it was time to get her out of here.

Wondering if Beckett would actually kill him for leaving her badge and a gun on a crime scene, he quickly put the items into his pants, badge on his belt and the gun (with safety on) into his pocket. With a little struggle caused by his knees (no, he definitely wasn’t getting old) he managed to stand up and juggle Kate into a more comfortable position. Kate just sighed at being moved and nestled deeper into his arms. If Rick had any doubt before about Kate’s momentary mental state, the lack of protest at being carried around effectively erased it.

With an armful of Kate Beckett he somehow managed to open the door, walking briskly through the spacious lobby. A few officers from the 12th that were still at the scene paid him no mind. Which was a minor blessing of itself since Rick was one hundred per cent sure that Kate wouldn’t want anyone to see her like this.

Castle sat down at the closest bench that he could find after walking out of the big venue door and called for his driver. Under any different circumstances he would beg time to slow down a little so he could enjoy this moment. Him and Kate, sitting on a bench shaded by a tree, a warm day slowly giving away to the slight crispiness of early evening. He could almost imagine how the wind would feel on his face or how Kate’s hand would fit perfectly into his, seeking any protection from the cold. As it was now however, Rick just prayed for his driver to show up as soon as possible, more so after feeling Kate shiver in his arms, hoping that the cold was the only reason why.

Finally a black town car showed up and with a little help from the driver, which consisted of opening the door for Castle and then closing it afterwards, Castle managed to get into his seat, not letting go of Beckett in the process. Thirty minutes later they arrived and were greeted by Eduardo, who opened the door for them, looking quite concerned. The look on Rick’s face convinced him not to ask anything. Instead he the elevator and returned to his post, but not before wishing Castle a good night.

Castle tried half-heartedly to send the man a smile while maintaining his focus solely on Kate. She seemed to calm down a little during their ride and was almost asleep on his shoulder by the time his mother opened the door to the loft.

“Oh my, Richard, What happened? Is Katherine ok?”

“She will be.” Stepping through the threshold, Rick answered with more conviction than he was feeling at the moment. “Where´s Alexis?”

“She´s upstairs.” Said Martha after closing and locking the door. “The poor child had been studying all afternoon and finally called it a night about a half an hour ago.”

“Okay.” Castle answered, already heading for his bedroom.

“But Richard, what happened to Katherine?”

“I am not sure. I´m going to put her down in the bedroom.”

“Oh, Kiddo!“ Martha realized that now wasn’t the time to ask questions and demand answers as she normally would, so she let her son go with: “Take care of her.” Castle didn´t reply to that, just crossed the short distance from his office to the bedroom. He heard footsteps on the stairway, indicating that his mother retired for the night as well.

After depositing Kate on his bed, Rick figured that she would be more comfortable without her shoes on and so he bent to his knees to take them off. Unfortunaltely, the sudden movement and loss of warmth of his arms must’ve broken through Kate’s nap.

“Castle?...What? What are you doing?” Her voice was still barely audible from the crying.

“Don’t worry, Kate. I just want you to be comfortable.” He was a little bit surprised when she didn’t protest at all, but just assumed that Kate exhausted herself to a point where a warm bed was too comfortable to refuse. She was asleep the second her head hit the pillow.

He hoped that, in the morning when she woke up, she wouldn’t kill him for taking her pants off too. After covering her with silky sheets and making sure she had everything she needed, which also involved getting a cup of tea from the kitchen in case Kate woke up thirsty and putting away all of Kate’s stuff, Castle debated on what to do now. There was no way he was leaving her alone tonight. He briefly considered sliding under the covers with her, but decided that he liked his face the way it was, so he did the second best thing that he could at the moment. Pulling up a chair from the corner of the room as close to her bed as he could, he got as comfortable as possible and started his watch. The last thought that slithered into his mind before succumbing to sleep was that if Beckett was awake now, she’d probably call him creepy again.

* * *

When Martha woke up in the middle of the night due to the storm outside and went to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water, she decided to check on her son. What she found in the bedroom shouldn’t have surprised her at all. Rick was sitting in the small armchair, his feet on the bed with his socked fingers maintaining contact with what she could only assume was Katherine’s thigh under the sheet.

“Oh, Darling.” Martha sighed, knowing that even if she woke him up, he wouldn’t leave Kate´s side. Instead she just threw one blanket from the bed over his torso and after kissing his forehead, left the room.

She sincerely hoped that whatever this was, her son and the beautiful detective will work it out, since it was cleare that those two cared about each other immenesly.

**Author's Note:**

> Is anyone still reading Castle fanfics? I know I didn't, for a long time. I just couldn't after the finale.  
Anyway, let me know if you like this and want more in the comments, this story has one more chapter and I still have several other stories.


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